A Bisexual Domme

1998-2001

So, what is a “bisexual domme??”

“bisexual”: having sexual desire commonly on an unconscious level for members of both sexes(def. 1.b. from Webster’s Third New International Dictionary unabridged)
“domination”:  supremacy or ascendancy over another or others(def. 1 from Webster’s Third New International Dictionary unabridged)

 My journey so far……….

February 1998

I have always been emotionally attracted to woman and physically & emotionally attracted to men. I was not, however, comfortable with admitting this even to Myself until the Spring of 1997. As I started to come to terms with My bisexuality, I was introduced to the idea of sexual dominance though conversations with a homosexual male friend. Last Spring/early Summer I did a lot of reading, conversing, and soul-searching to accept that B&D/S&M is as natural to Me as being attracted to both men and women—and began exploring just how I want to express My dominant nature.

I found a wonderful channel on irc where I was able to learn and grow as a Domme. I was in a long-term relationship with a female submissive (though we were “together” for 6 months, she only wore My collar for two of them) who taught Me a lot about B&D/S&M, irc, and helped Me learn to express the “dormant domme” that had always been inside Me.

For Me, being attracted to women is no longer just about emotion and compatible intellect–it has developed a very strong, sexual component over the last year. I suppose it is really just Me acknowledging that I have always found women incredibly sexy but was too far in denial to allow those desires to manifest.

My first online experiences as a dominant were with men–except for one scene that involved a man and a woman submissive. At that point I was working on instinct, having no background or knowledge of what “real” D/s and bdsm involved. I was so intoxicated by the power being granted Me over their sexual activity, that I backed off for a month or so from scening–until I could take some time to learn more about D/s. I was now limiting My D/s activities to a fem-only channel because it felt more relaxed and comfortable. (I wasn’t getting msged by men calling Me “goddess” or demanding “‘Dominate me Mistress”.)

When I first started exploring D/s it was entirely about control–needing to feel “safe” by being the dominant partner and enjoying the power given to Me by the submissive. I felt very responsible toward female submissives–wanting to protect and cherish them. I even remember, about 4-6 weeks into My exploration, telling several people that D/s, for Me, was about protecting the subs while maintaining control of the relationship.

I began reading a few books, visiting websites, watching carefully while in irc channels. I talked to a few subs and even a few Dommes asking carefully worded questions (not wanting to reveal too much naivete). Slowly I began to realize that while I do feel protective and responsible towards submissives I know, I also have a more sadistic side that enjoys both bondage and various forms of pain play.

Recently someone asked Me how I could “enjoy” hurting someone else–could actually be sexually excited by inflicting pain. I had never consciously considered the question before that moment. For Me it isn’t about inflicting pain. Dominance/Topping is about the exchange of power: a masochistic sub places herself entirely under My control, giving Me the power to help her experience pleasure (thru bondage and pain and sexual “use”) and it is My place to exercise that power using whatever means I feel appropriate in a given scene. I would never be excited by inflicting non-consenual pain, because that is taking power from someone, rather than accepting power given to Me.

June 1998

I have grown more confidant about Myself, My sexuality, and My knowledge as a Domme through this last year. I am now the proud Trainer of anne{DM. anne is under My protection as I train her to be a better submissive. Though the process hasn’t been easy on either of us, I feel anne has grown tremendously as a sub–and I have grown as well. I am also forging a relationship with a woman who uses the nick siku`. Though very new to B&D/S&M, she has a very submissive nature and I feel confident I can help her explore this blossoming part of herself.

May 1999

Wow, it’s been a busy year. I have focused on expanding other parts of this site and never quite got back to this page.

In the last year I trained and collared a slave, Moonflower, and even met her for a real life weekend–we spent most of it at a women’s play party in a dungon. We talked for some time about moving together and becoming a TPE couple this summer, but ultimately, Moon couldn’t leave her current life and we ended our relationship in February. It was a wonderful experience and taught me that I do need a slave and that I have a lot to offer as a Mistress and a sadistic dominant.

I joined a BDSM group in a city about an hour’s drive from me last fall. I have learned a lot from the meetings, demonstrations, and just being around dozens and dozens of others who are into BDSM in its various forms. I’ve met some wonderful people and recently took the initiative to start a local group in my town. We have had two organizational meetings and are close to finalizing our “rules” and meeting schedule to supplement the other groups in the region. I’ve attended several private play parties, a D/s truth or dare party, my first fetish ball, and even a fetish photo shoot for “On Our Backs” (a lesbian magazine). I’m looking forward to attending the International Ms. Leather competition in Las Vegas in July and perhaps the Living in Leather Conference in the fall.

Online I collared siku, but our feelings weren’t really conducive to a D/s relationship so the collar was removed after a brief time and we have remained loving friends. I continued to train anne in between numerous scheduling conflicts, illnesses, and family problems. In January, I released her to find a Mistress of her own. It was a very bittersweet time for us both as we had spent a year together and love each other deeply. In the months since her release she has remained one of my dearest friends and I look forward to seeing her happily collared to and loved by a worthy Domme someday.

I am nearing the end of a two-month protection agreement with an online friend. Topi was feeling pressured from multiple dominants to collar online and meet real life. Because I knew she was emotionally vulnerable after being released by her last Mistress, I offered to protect her from those pressures and to serve as her adviser in deciding which dominants, if any, to meet with in real life. That collar expires in a week, but Topi has the option to extend it if she still feels vulnerable.

On May 23, 1999 I became the online trainer of a submissive who uses the nick “sarah”. Sarah is being jointly trained by myself and Nchantris (Topi’s dominant nick) with Nchantris as the primary trainer and myself as a supplementary trainer and coach to Nchantris (who has never trained anyone before).

As for finding a personal submissive or slave for myself…I have had several submissives express interest in being with me online, offline, or both. A few just haven’t been able to match schedules and a few just didn’t interest me. At this moment there are three female submissives with potential. One is a slave I met online. We seem extremely compatible in our approach to slavery and our personalities have enough similiarities that the differences provide interesting tension without pulling us apart. There is a submissive who lives in my town who has been out of the lifestyle for over a decade, due to marriages to vanilla men, but whose current husband is open to her having a Mistress, so we are slowly getting to know each other. There is another submissive who lives in my general geographical region and I have known online for two years. In the last year we have become closer friends and shared a lot of our dreams and desires. We were supposed to meet a few weeks ago at a women’s event in St. Louis, but it was cancelled. We hope to meet sometime in the next few months either near me or at the International Ms. Leather competition. Though we aren’t talking about collaring or a relationship, we have discussed playing together when we do meet.

March 2000

If you follow my Perceptions page, you’ll know that once I got involved in starting a local pansexual bdsm group, the concept of “free time” disappeared. Hence, I haven’t updated this page, or much of this site, since last Spring.

The online training arrangement mentioned above ended after a few short months. Nchantris and sarah just had too many scheduling conflicts to work out a compatible training regime. Sarah has since gone on to find a mistress of her own. Nchantris has reverted to her submissive side and remains a very dear friend.

As for my real life as a domme, I have had many opportunities to scene or demo with various subs/bottoms at play parties. I went to IMsL and learned a lot from the people there. I had a slave serve me for a weekend event that my real life group held at a bed & breakfast/dungeon. I have grown in confidence in both what I want and my ability to handle what I seek. I used to be somewhat doubtful that I could handle a tpe slave, let alone a poly household. I knew I wanted it, I just had little doubt attacks now and then. I haven’t had one of those in a very long time. I know I’m a good dominant and will be a good owner for whatever slave(s) come my way.

Next month I have two slaves coming to serve me. One will be here three weekends and the other for one weekend. Yes, they will both be here at the same time and I am looking forward to the opportunity to be a poly domme ‘in the flesh.’ One is a dear friend who has served me before. The other is a prospective permanent slave. We scened together last fall when she was visiting this area, but since I was stressed and she was owned, it wasn’t the best scene it could have been. She has since been released and we are both looking to this as a trial ownership that could lead to a long-term/permanent contract.

I also have a submissive who wants me to train her long distance. She is still relatively new to D/s and wants the chance to explore her own nature and ways that D/s can manifest itself. We are still negotiating and getting to know each other. It would be similiar to the training I did with Anne, but since this one lives fairly close to me, we may incorporate some real life exploration in her training, though with the understanding that it isn’t leading to a collared relationship.

If you want to keep posted, I suggest you read the Perceptions section of the site as I do a pretty good job of writing there every week.

August 2001

If you followed the suggestion given in the previous section, you’ll know that, thanks to freespeech.org, my website became more difficult to find. First they froze the site I’d had for two years. Anyone visiting www.freespeech.org/MistressDM will see a site I haven’t been able to touch since August 2000. What happened was that they changed their servers so that my url became www.freespeech.org/mistressdm. I couldn’t access the frozen version and dozens of links and search engines point to it. Then in June 2001, freespeech “accidentally” deleted the sites of dozens, if not hundreds, of their loyal members. I use quotes because freespeech has made it more and more evident that they don’t like having all these free websites eating their server and if they don’t start generating some revenue from them, they’ll stop offering free websites. So, I’m sure they don’t give a f*** if they piss off a hundred people like me who had loyally hosted sites and recommended their service for the better part of three years. Stupid them. I took my site, and my money, to another host. Had freespeech been nicer to me, I might have upgraded to a pay account with them. Their loss.

I won’t even try to update you on the variety of potential relationships that didn’t pan out or the play sessions I had with friends since the last update. Suffice it to say that I continued to develop my skills as both a sadist and a dominant and that much of the energy of the last year was devoted to relocating. I left Kansas in November and landed in Arizona. After staying with family for a few months, I got a job and my own apartment and settled into my new life. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, I think. Now I think I’m ready to find a partner or two and move forward.

I don’t, however, plan to update this page again. Funny, as I’m finally looking to have a male submissive or play partners, I’ll be “bisexual” in practice as well as philosophy for the first time, but you won’t read about it here. Look at the other sections of the site to follow my current life. This page is long enough.